I’m a Therapist. Here’s 6 Things I’ve Learned You Might Be Doing to Sabotage Your Joy
After 15 years of listening to people’s deepest struggles, I’ve noticed 6 habits that might be quietly stealing your joy (I know, because I’ve done them too).
I’m a therapist and let me admit something, after 15 years of sitting with people in their most vulnerable, painful chapters of life, I’ve learned most of the misery in my life has come from me.
I’m not saying that all the hardships I’ve experienced are my fault. The loss of my brother to suicide. The years of heartache and uncertainty in dating. The constant health challenges with my PCOS. Those things just suck. I’m not to blame. And the same goes for so many of you reading this. We face heartbreak, loss, health problems, and unfair circumstances we never asked for. We didn’t create the pain, but unfortunately, we’re still the ones left holding the bag. We’re still the ones responsible for what happens next.
What I’m saying is that how I managed many of those hardships made my pain more painful. There was a more peaceful path available to me, but I couldn’t always see it. I was too overwhelmed, too discouraged, or too stuck in survival mode to believe I could try something different.
I’ve come to understand that I’ve unwittingly sabotaged my joy, over and over again, and made the harder path even harder.
You might be doing the same. And the really tricky part? These habits are so normalized, they can seem harmless. But they’re not. They’re costing you something. They’re keeping you from the kind of life that feels rich, connected, and grounded.
Here are six things I often see people doing (myself included) that sabotage joy, and what you can do instead:
1. You’re moving too fast.
You’re rushing through your days, constantly trying to keep up or get ahead. You’ve convinced yourself you don’t have time to slow down. But joy can’t find you when you’re constantly running. When we move too fast, we miss the little things that bring meaning. We miss the chance to pause and notice how far we’ve come. Slowing down isn’t laziness—it’s a form of self-respect.
Try putting away your phone when you’re eating, taking five minutes to breathe before opening your laptop, or pausing for a moment before saying yes to another obligation. Presence gives you access to a kind of joy that productivity never will.
2. You’re placing joy only in the big achievements.
You’re so focused on the future that you’re not appreciating what you have now. So many people get caught up in a version of “destination anxiety”—that voice that says, I’ll be happy when I’m making six figures, when I’m in a relationship, when I buy a house. The problem is that when you finally reach those milestones, the bar moves again. It becomes I’ll be happy when I get a promotion, when we have kids, when we buy a bigger house. It never ends. And in the meantime, you’re missing out on your life as it’s actually happening. If you only celebrate the big stuff, you’ll feel empty most of the time.
Joy lives in noticing the moment your coffee hits just right, or how cozy your bed feels at the end of a long day. If you wait for the big wins to be happy, you’ll miss a hundred small ones that were already yours.
3. You’re focusing on what you don’t have instead of what you do have.
This one is so easy to slip into. Social media makes it feel like everyone else has more: more friends, more money, more good looks. When you’re always looking at what you’re missing, it creates a constant feeling of scarcity. And that scarcity mindset will drain your energy, your hope, and your ability to feel content.
Shifting your attention toward what you do have isn’t about pretending everything’s perfect. It’s about balance. What are the things you’re grateful for that don’t get your attention? Who are the people showing up for you in small, consistent ways? What skills or strengths have gotten you through hard things? Joy grows where your attention goes.
4. You’re not living according to your values.
They say “He who dies with the most stuff wins.” This might sound crazy, but maybe what we’ve been taught to value - the pursuit of wealth and power - isn’t it. We see evidence everyday that the big rich guys with all the power and money are are so miserable that they seem determined to make everyone else miserable too.
Sometimes we work really hard for a life we didn’t actually choose. Maybe you’re chasing financial security because that’s what your parents valued. Maybe you’re staying in a job you hate because it looks good on paper. But if you’re not living in alignment with your own values, joy will always feel out of reach. This doesn’t mean you have to quit your job tomorrow or throw everything away. But it does mean getting honest. What actually matters to you? Maybe you don’t want a house, you want freedom to travel. Maybe you’d trade a luxury car for more evenings at home with your kids. The world tells us to want more, more, more. But sometimes joy is found in less, when it’s the right kind of life for you.
5. You’re comparing yourself to others.
It’s easy to assume that if someone else is winning, it means you’re losing. That someone else getting what you want means it’s no longer available to you. But that’s not how life works. Someone having love, success, health, or happiness doesn’t reduce your chances of having it too. And someone else's highlight reel isn’t a fair comparison to your behind-the-scenes. When comparison creeps in, come back to your own lane. What are your goals? What progress have you made? What’s beautiful and unique about your journey, even if it looks different than theirs? Joy thrives in self-acceptance and is hindered in comparison.
6. You’re focused on what you’re getting, not what you’re giving.
One of the most consistent themes I’ve seen in therapy is that people want to feel like they matter. But somewhere along the way, we confuse mattering with achieving. We chase the next goal, the next purchase, the next big thing. And while there’s nothing wrong with ambition, joy doesn’t come from accumulating more. It comes from contribution. From connection. From knowing that you’re making someone’s day a little easier, a little warmer. Whether it’s volunteering, checking in on a friend, or simply being kind to a stranger, giving creates meaning. And a life filled with meaning is destined to be full of joy.
Through years of doing this work, I’ve come across four truths about joy—truths I’ve seen again and again, in others and in myself:
A healthy community is the cornerstone of joy.
It’s never been easier to meet more people, but somehow it’s become harder to form lasting, meaningful friendships. Real community—people who know you, check in on you, celebrate and grieve with you—is essential to feeling alive and grounded. Joy thrives in connection.
Our relationship with our bodies often defines our capacity for joy.
As a therapist, I’ve witnessed how harsh people can be with themselves. Beating themselves up over weight gained during the holidays. Criticizing every wrinkle, stretch mark, or curve. I’ve done it too. The perspective that helped me shift was hearing a woman share that she had felt both the happiest in her life and the most miserable in her life- at the same weight. It wasn’t the number on the scale that determined her happiness, it was her mindset and her self-talk. That’s where we need to focus.
The main obstacles to joy aren’t the hardships, it’s our mindset.
Hardships are part of being human. But the way we think about ourselves and our lives can make those hardships heavier or lighter. I’ve worked with hundreds of people, and the one thing they all had in common? Struggles with self-worth. Moments of self-doubt. Feelings of not being enough. One thing that always amazed me about going to visit my parents homeland of the Philippines was how joyful people could be when they were dirt poor. We’re talking - no shoes. And yet how many people who seem to have it all are miserable. Achievements, stuff, they aren’t what make us happy.
It doesn’t matter how things look on the outside—if the inside story is full of criticism and fear, joy will always feel far away. The mindset you bring to your life shapes your ability to experience joy in it.
Joy is often found in much smaller moments than we think.
It’s not just in the big celebrations. It’s in the little things we tend to overlook. When the grocery store cashier tells you about their weekend and you really listen. When a group of strangers all pause to coo over a puppy. When a baby laughs as they splash in a fountain. When you reach a viewpoint and everyone around you quietly marvels at the view. These are the moments that stitch our days together with something real. You don’t need a perfect life to notice them. You just need to be paying attention.
I’m learning, slowly but surely, that when you make space for these small joys, you’re not just getting through life. You’re actually living it. You’re creating a life that feels more full, more vibrant, more connected, no matter what’s going on around you.
With care,
Therese