The Surprising Connection Between Success, Shame, and ADHD
The surprising discovery I just made that completely changed how I see myself.
I’m 43 years old. I’m a licensed clinical psychologist. I literally work with people who have ADHD every single day.
And I just figured out I have it.
Not because I struggled in school (I loved school). Not because I can’t focus (I hyperfocus all the time). But because I constantly feel overwhelmed with my to-do list, I’m always trying to do five things at the same time, and because I lose friends when I forget to text back for the third time.
That’s ADHD in women. And if you’re reading this thinking “wait, that’s me,” then keep reading.
Here’s what nobody tells you about ADHD in women
ADHD in high-achieving women doesn’t look like struggling in school or bouncing off walls. It looks like having messy cabinets or desktops. Like working three times as hard as everyone else just to appear normal. Like being so exhausted from performing that you can’t remember the last time you felt like yourself.
It looks like success, from the outside.
But on the inside, you’re drowning in shame every time you disappoint someone. Spending six hours on a task that should take thirty minutes. Lying awake at 3am replaying every conversation, convinced you said something wrong.
You think everyone else just has their life more together. That you’re the only one who finds basic things impossibly hard. That if people knew how much you were struggling behind the scenes, they’d know you’re a fraud.
What if none of that is true?
The thing that made my whole life make sense
This week on my podcast, I talked with my friend Dr. Shawn Horn, a psychologist who teaches at University of Washington Medical School and just published her second book, Thrive Socially with Adult ADHD. And she told me something that rearranged everything I thought I knew about myself:
Children with ADHD receive 20,000 more corrective statements by age 12 than neurotypical kids.
Twenty thousand more “sit still, stop that, focus, pay attention, what’s wrong with you” messages.
No wonder so many of us became perfectionists and people-pleasers. We learned early that who we are naturally isn’t quite right, so we built elaborate systems to compensate, achieve, and make it all look effortless. We’ve been trying to prove we’re worthy, that we’re okay, that there’s nothing wrong with us our entire lives.
And then we wonder why we’re so exhausted.
There’s nothing wrong with you
You’re wired differently, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken.
Your ADHD brain has a nervous system that works differently. Your executive functioning is developmentally delayed by about 30%—which doesn’t mean you’re immature, it means your brain needs different tools than the ones designed for neurotypical people.
Once you stop trying to be neurotypical and start working with your actual brain, everything can shift. For me? I started having more grace for myself. I became willing to admit when I was struggling. To actually ask for help instead of white-knuckling my way through everything alone. That alone has changed things more than any productivity hack ever did.
Why the usual advice doesn’t work
Traditional productivity advice falls flat for ADHD brains because it’s designed for people whose brains work completely differently than yours. “Just make a list.” “Just prioritize better.” “Just focus.”
You know what to do. That’s not the problem.
ADHD isn’t a disorder of knowing, it’s a disorder of performing. You know you should text your friend back. You know you need to start that project. Your brain just struggles to make it happen in the moment.
So what actually helps?
Understanding your nervous system. Getting ADHD-tailored tools instead of generic advice. Learning that when you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s often because your nervous system is dysregulated, and there are specific strategies that can help.
Recognizing that social situations drain you differently because you’re working so much harder to track conversations, read cues, and manage your energy. You’re not antisocial. You’re running a more intensive operating system that needs more processing power for things other people do automatically.
Building systems that work with your hyperfocus instead of fighting it. Using your tendency to get absorbed in things as a strength.
And most importantly: stopping the shame spiral. You’re not failing at being successful. You’ve been succeeding while using tools designed for a completely different kind of brain, which is actually kind of remarkable when you think about it.
It’s not too late
You’re not too old to figure this out. Understanding yourself isn’t self-indulgence, it’s self-compassion and self-care.
Your success doesn’t mean you’re fine. Sometimes it just means you’ve been working incredibly hard to look fine. But there’s so much hope in understanding why it’s been so hard, and what might actually make it easier.
I recorded this conversation with Shawn because I needed to hear it myself. We go deep on the nervous system piece, the shame connection, and the specific tools that work for ADHD brains. She shares her own story of being placed in special education, told she was cognitively delayed, and now teaching psychiatric residents at a medical school—not because she “overcame” her ADHD, but because she finally understood it.
This conversation genuinely changed how I see myself. I think it might do the same for you.
Listen here: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | YouTube
Shawn’s book: Thrive Socially with Adult ADHD: The Shame-Busting Guide includes a free workbook with ADHD-tailored tools. Find it wherever books are sold.
You’re not broken. You’re not too much. You’re just using the wrong instruction manual for your particular brain. And once you get how things peek for your brain, everything can change.
With care,
Dr. Therese 💜